Jail Rabbits

ANNNDDD we're back. It's been a long while since I have hit this place up, and for that I am deeply sorry. My days have been packed with diligent study, and my nights with solemn reflection on my life and how it fits in this world of square pegs and round holes. I have become deeply interested in the conservation of love and basketball in my last weeks, and so this blog will now discuss these concepts in minute detail from now on.



Just kiddin'. July Follies! July 17th is the April Fool's Day of Japan. It is called 'Concealed Grin Period' and is spent imagining various practical jokes one could theoretically pull on one's superiors while concealing one's amusement at their misfortune resulting from the aforementioned joke. It is the least fun holiday ever, if done correctly.

So, where to begin.

Much has happened since I last posted on this, obviously. Going WAAAY back:

Two Weeks B4:

This weekend was incredible, but will probably be known best for my karaoke debut. People are still buzzing about it. Totally not for bad reasons, either. We went to an awesome izakaya (Japanese drinking/eating place somewhere between a bar and a treehouse) on Friday (that I just revisited last night) with a biggish group of friends mixed with Yamasa school staff. But by the end of the night, there was no longer a distinction. We had all become lovers. Seeing as this was a ways back (relatively), most of the deets are fuzzy. But here's the short and quick:

- Tried natto (fermented soy beans) for the first time after asking the waitress what her favorite dish they served was. For the first time in my life, I had such a strikingly negative reaction to a taste that snot actually blew out my nose when I put it on my tongue. There is a picture of this somewhere as I remember, but no luck in finding it yet.

- Went to a big karaoke place with a big crew of peoples. Got my neck scarred up a little bit and lost my shoes for like 30 min or something. This is very common here, because shoes get taken off almost everywhere you go, and on the more rambunctious nights, you take your shoes off where you don't really need to (this night) and you must check all of the 345,234 karaoke rooms to try and find your shoes. Then you usually realize they are in the room that's playing 'Thriller' on repeat.

-The next night, I did karaoke with a different group and at a smaller joint that had the TV above the bar in the main room. Luckily, there were no other groups to speak of when we showed up, as it was about an hour or so before close. We ordered beer and some edamame before getting excessively funky in awful, post-pubescent singing voices. Someone put a corny Japanese song on for me to sing that got way too intense with Kanji (Chinese characters that are not phonetic and therefore impossible to pronounce), which prompted a lot of freestyle'd serenades directed at the confused, smiling staff of Japanese women hosting us, who were blissfully ignorant of the horrible things being said. UNTIL THE AIR HUMPS DROPPED!!!

- Later on, I went to a local convenience store nearby my dorm called Mini-Stop and decided to talk to a younger clerk there who I have seen nearly everyday since I got here. He was wearing a surgical mask that most Japanese wear when they are sick as a courtesy, so I figured I would ask him if he was feeling ill. But instead of saying "Byouki da?" (Are you sick?), I said "Bikuri da?" which is more to the tune of "Are you surprised?" He stared at my with wide eyes for a while before I realized what I had done, upon which I did not rob him as he probably suspected I would, and apologized. I suck at Japanese, btw.

Also: Mini-Stop has incredible shark fin soup, apparently:



1 Week Ago:

Friday, I went to Nagoya to see a J-League baseball game (Nagoya vs. Tokyo), which was awesomely fun. HUGE stadium, mostly filled with mascots and Japanese fans. Dragons won off a 7th inning homer by Waka, if anyone cares about such a thing. After the game, we went to a mall close to the stadium and looked at various small puppies, kittens and turtles until it was time to split up, with my half of the group going to a fancy club called 'Club ID' in downtown Nagoya, and the other half taking the LOSER-train back to BORESville to water their SUCK-ASS trees and eat SOURpatch Kids, etc. We met up with a few other friends before getting some cheap ramen at a nearby shop and heading in to tha club. The bouncers, though Japanese, still managed to be huge assholes and keep my friend Joe out because he was wearing flip-flips, which further split us up into two more groups. I headed in and ended up losing almost everything I came in with after about 30 minutes, except my wallet, keys and shoes (this time). It being a Japanese club, it shut down at 1am much to everyone's surprise. I asked a group of locals that I had been gesturing with all night if they knew what an 'after-party' was and where said 'after-party' would be. Here is a rough translation of the ensuing conversation in what was awful Japanese:

Me: So, where's the after-party then?
Japanese Guy : My house!
Me: COOL! Is it close by?
Japanese Guy: 30 minutes on foot, but we will take a taxi.
Me: Can I bring some friends too?
Japanese Guy: I am going to sleep.
Me: What? So you aren't having an after-party then?
Japanese Guy: I have work tomorrow morning.
Me: That is regrettable.
Japanese Guy: Yes. Good night! Nice-ah to meetu you

!

They always tag on a 'Nice to meet you.' That's how you know they aren't narcs.

I found my friends Patrick and Mark (who I had came in with) outside, each with a Japanese girl on their arm. I am always fascinated how Patrick picks these Japanese girls up, because he speaks mostly Norwegian and a good bit of English, but next to no Japanese. From what I have seen, he seems to communicate almost entirely through magic tricks, with a few bar tricks thrown in for good measure. Kid is insanely good at both of them though, and has proven to me that if it isn't math or music or smiles that is the universal language, it's certainly magic. He is like an episode of 'David Blane's Street Magic' with a few hundred more "You're Mom" jokes sprinkled throughout. Huge upgrade.

After meeting some Japanese salarymen, we sit down in a grassy patch outside a 7-11 and begin bullshitting. I have this awesome Japanese swear book that my equally awesome parents (shout out to Amy + Steve) bought me, and this was the perfect time to check the validity of a few of the more poignant ones out. I was happy to find out all the important ones such as 'Let's piss together,' 'Fuck off,' and 'I am a pathetic bed wetter' turned out to be perfectly up-to-date.

We headed to karaoke afterwards, where we sang and bled everywhere until the first train at at around 5am and headed back to home sweet home: Okazaki.

Saturday night we went to a local izakaya called 'Sen Sen' with a small group for what was to be a commemoration of Satori's last weekend night out with us, but turned into a commemoration of 50 year-old Japanese women diving face first into everyone's wieners, making out with Jesse and getting maaaaad domestic violence-y up in the club, care of her scowl-faced, hands-on-hips husband. Quite the spectacle. Most of this is on video, one which I will probably post once Patrick gets back tomorrow from Kyoto. It's the least I can do, probably.

This past week has been bittersweet, as it was Satori's last and essentially the beginning of the end of my time at Yamasa. Little under two weeks left here. Almost makes a man want to go chasin' waterfalls :(

It has been a good one though, to be sure. We got some Taiwanese kids in my class who taught me a few more Mandarin curse words in addition to the ones that my friend Chen taught me in the previous weeks. My vocab is essentially "Hello," and a bunch of really awful pick-up lines followed by a barrage of insults if they say no. Fully equipped.

We did the Satori send-off thing this past Thursday at another izakaya, which was attended by the lovely lady Patrick met in Nagoya last weekend. Now, I cannot say how well of a representation she is for the majority of Japanese women, but she was…unique. Highlight reel:

- Suggested that Patrick get Kanji painted on his fingernails for some reason. He obliged.
- Brought a Dale (from Chip 'n Dale) stuffed animal with her that seemed like it had been on her hip for a few decades based on her umbilical attachment to it and the dirt caked into its fur. My friend Simon swiped it off the table while she wasn't looking, and she started getting baby duck voice almost immediately, demanding his safe return in between swats to MY HEAD (even though I had nothing to do with said Dalenapping). Then we took the beanie on his head off, beneath which was a bandana and THEN a miniature cowboy hat under that. Again she freaked out and started hitting both of us until order was restored.
- Chased Simon and I down the hall of the dorm after I cracked Patrick's dorm door open during sexy time to reveal Simon standing unfortunately right in view. I guess that one was more or less warranted, though.

All stuffed animals aside though, she is a cool girl, Patty. I love and miss you both.


This week:

-Advancing to a new class
-Last weekend mystery times

Big plans.



One Night In Tokyo ;) :0



Class Photo! I don't discuss class in this blog for good reason (sucks)



Coolest thing to ever happen during class



Magical Patrick and his deck of love games



SENSEN!!!!!!!!! And SIMON!!!! and Johnnie.



One kiss is worth a thousand TURDS, Jessie.


Here's the very Japanese Youtube series 'Usavich' that the title of this fine post comes from:

TORO, TORO (noms)

BREAKING NEWS: Double date probably off! Patrick's date sent him the following sad email (shout out to Google Translate):

Good evening! But Miho know?
♪ Thanks for a great fun last time (· ∀ ·)

Next Sunday I'm no, I can not go Nagashima sudden engagement ... I'm sorry (>_<)

This one goes out to you, buddy.

Raphael Saadiq - It's A Shame


PART I : 2 FURIOUS

When I went to Barcelona a few months ago, I had this weird realization that all the dogs that I met were just a little different from the American dogs I had grown up with (these are literal dogs btw, not dawgz). Little things about them like their sitting posture or facial expressions threw me off a little bit and almost made me feel a little uneasy, in a bizarre way. Almost everything here is like that! Well, somethings are REALLY different, but they make themselves known fairly quickly. I am speaking of the subtle normalcies of life in God's Country that I have gradually realized are nowhere to be found here. For instance:

-All of the sandwiches I have eaten here are crustless for some reason. Pretty incredible since its been at least 10 years ago since I had a crustless sandwich. Where do all the crusts go?
-Small children make rash judgements about me. I was in the supermarket today and saw a little girl gliding happily by on a kick ass pair of sky blue Heelies ®, and right as her eyes fixed on mine, her jaw slackened in terror. Where is the love, Japanese babies? American babies love me, or are at least indifferent toward me. Well, most don't do me like you do. Maybe some do, but they keep it to themselves, and that's what counts (to me).
-There are no all-purpose trashcans. If you are lucky enough to find a far-away receptacle, it is definitely for either cans / burnables / non-burnables / PET / paper. Minutes of trash sorting will ensue, because you absolutely will not be mixing your refuse, save you want an older, smaller and wiser Japanese man giving you the business.
-Ketchup is not omnipresent. Most of the time you will find fish flakes to sprinkle over the food that you would usually plaster with ketchup. Fish flakes are not very good, either. They taste like you would imagine, probably. Even if you are lucky enough to find any, it will SUCK. We take the Heinz® corporation and their sublime ratio of sugar : tomatoes for granted in the states. Appreciate your lives/ketchups!!
-Dr. Pepper is also rare.

PART II : TOKYO DRIFTIN'

I spent the past weekend in Tokyo doing a very hit and miss Scarlett Johansson impression a la 'Lost In Translation' with a lot of disillusioned stares into the distance while humming bars of 'Just Like Honey'. I really think I have gotten to know myself better, but will miss Bill Murray lots.
Four-month veteran Mandy Lyne was my tour guide for the two day jaunt into the Big Pear and she did not disappoint. Checked out a Maid Cafe (GOOGLE IT) where Mandy won a bottle of champagne and a brief get down session complements of the super kawaii staff, an eight story sex store (not including the basement, where you can watch horrifying sex tapes along side wound up Japanese salarymen), and the comparatively docile Yoyogi Park among other spots, except when THIS happened:



Japan got talent, kidz

PART III : LoLCATS ON THA HORIZON

So, I'm at the two-week mark and there are a few things I haven't crossed off my short term bamboo bucket list, most of which I hope to knock off this weekend:

Karaoke
Go To A Japanese Punk Show
Eating A Sea Creature's Head / Face

On the other hand:

Nearly Puke Eating Baby Squid Sushi
Keep It Real

Suggesties?



First night in Tokyo. Patrick did a buttload of magic tricks for these guys and they were forced to buy us beer in return, as is the custom here.


2 true, sign.


Doable gelly woman sealed in a cardboard coffin. Great gift for friends in jail for doing creepy stuff


Also, my face at the time! Albiet less plastic-y and dead looking

Tanuki Dog Soup

Please feel pressure to complete a brief karaoke session of the classic Frankie Valli song 'December 1963 (Oh What a Night)' before continuing reading this post. It is essential to the reader / writer rapport that you get on my level emotionally and melodically. Loosen up a bit and don't be afraid to really rail those falsettos, either.



So, yeah. Oh what a weekend is almost more like it. Right? Now you get it! Anyways:

Saturday was really incredible cultural-wise and then insane as night started to fall further. As all two of my followers (50% my mom) have definitely been anxiously awaiting hearing about, I went to an onsen in a nearby town with my friends Pat (Norwegian/Flugansnargan), Tom (English/Icelolly People-Carrier) and Satori (American/Beer Me) in the afternoon.

But first we went to a Shinto shrine (or jinja [pronounced like 'ginger' with a Japanese accent]) on a little islet. Looking in from outside, you can't make out anything but the tree tops, but once you make it to the island it is extremely impressive. There is a feeling I keep getting here in certain places where I know what I am standing on or looking at is unfathomably historic and important, but I have no idea how to properly appreciate it. Also, it is not difficult to desecrate things / shame yours or another's family without realizing it. For the most part, I try not to do too much OR too little and strike a nice, warm middle ground away from the sorry, sharp edges. If anyone feels sudden shame in the next few months please let me know and I will try to figure out where I misstepped and atone. Jk. Don't caresies.

The onsen was hot and naked, as promised. It was separated by sex, so I went with Tom and Patrick to the naked Japanese man section as that was the closest fit for us. We walked in and I forgot to shower before I got in the water initially, which silently desecrated the onsen (seriously). Thankfully, no one seemed to mind. Later, the local men glared at our Glenfiddiches like packages of dishonor. We got our Zen for about 30 or 40 minutes before hopping out, meeting back up with newly clothed Satori (who apparently had a one on one session with a naked 60 something Japanese woman? Confirmation?) and heading to an udon shop back in Okazaki.

The nighttime plan was originally to just stay at Zig Zag (the school bar) and watch the Japan / Holland game with the local fans and head home, but we ended up going to a local bar near my dorm. Details get very fuzzy here, but Patrick ended up picking up a fully Japanese waitress with almost literally a 10 word Japanese vocabulary, followed by an old man pawning off another local girl (who I assume was a relative of his) on me for a date in two weeks with Patrick and the waitress to an amusement park near Tokyo. Needless to say that it promises to be a confusing train wreck!

The last few days have just been wake/class/nap/dinner/sleep with two exceptions:

- All you can eat, grill your own meat/fish restaurant called Viking that was overrun by UNSUPERVISED children that gave it a weird anime-lord of the flies feel
-Sweaty soccer (footy? awrite den!) session today

Big test tomorrow to determine if I can advance to the somewhat harder level of classes so CROSS THA FINGAZ DOGZ.

D-Bone out. Saaaaaaaaafe.



Outside the Islet


Inside the Islet


A Word I Refuse To Learn Because I Am Confused Of Its English Counterpart

If The Art Of Folding Paper Is Origami, The Art Of Folding Hair Is Hairigami

You should consider this the soundtrack to this post. Mostly because it is just an awesome song, but also because all non-Japanese (me) get stared at by the native 99% Japanese. Pretty sure thats Talib had in mind when he wrote this song, actually.



The last couple days have been all about adjustments. I can only compare it to when Neo in The Matrix wakes up in the real world and is covered in that pink goo. That pink goo is everywhere here! I eat it everyday. You get used to it pretty quickly, though.

Yesterday was my first day of class. Everything went according to plan, mostly. Everyone was very nice and there were almost no Mickey Mouse drawing sessions until there was one at the very end. Still not quite sure what it taught me about Japanese but who am I to question their methods.

Speaking of questionable, the building I have class used to be a warehouse and has an air of extreme sketchiness as a result. I do not know what they used to manufacture, but based on layout, I can only imagine it was methamphetamine or farts or grumpy kittens who give the good kittens bad names. Something sinister.

But most everything else is incredible. The kids here are mostly awesome. Tons of :)'s and :D's all around. Mostly. It rained hard all day yesterday which might have sown a few :('s, but it IS the rainy season, so.

Going to get naked at a local onsen (hot spring/bathouse) today, followed by slowly getting naked during the Japan/Netherlands game tonight. I will likely shower before I go to sleep tonight, before which I will also deliberately get naked.



First Breakfast


First Arcade


Walk to Class


Huge Norwegians With Huge Beers Are Everywhere Here

Jetlaggin'

After about 26 hours of travel yesterday, I came in to Okazaki at about 9:15 JST last night. The travel time itself was mas o menos business as usual, with a few exceptions.

1. The first and ONLY Canadian I encountered in Toronto airport was extremely rude! I had headphones in walking to my gate and an older Canuckian airline woman jumped in front of me and started waving her arms at me as if I had just interrupted coverage of the stanley cup (RIP). I popped the earbuds out and she yelled "I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO YUH FOR THEE LAST 20 PACES!! DO YOU HAVE ANY BAGGAGE THAT NEEDS CHECKIN?" I didn't. "OK THEN GET GOIN!!" I did. But jeez! Talk about ruining a perfectly good stereotype.

2. I tried to flex my limited Japanese on a four year-old that sat beside me on the 13 hr flight from Toronto to Tokyo and got absolutely trounced. He started talking about how scary Johnny Depp's mad hatter was in Alice of Wonderland, and all I could say that would make an inkling of sense was:
Me: "…the cat. (I point to a purple book) What color is this?"
The boy: "Murasaki (purple)."
Me: "Right. The purple cat…very cute. Very scary."
The boy: "Yes."
He stared blankly at me for a few seconds before I slowly raised my hand for a high-five, which is always a crowd pleaser with kids, even of the Japanese persuasion.

Then of course halfway through the flight he starts speaking to me in perfect English, which he confesses he PREFERS. Jesus

Rest of the trip was Snoresville, literally and figs. Woke up 2.5 hrs ago at 5am JST because of my confused and changing body but was kind of totally okay because Brazil v. North Korea was on.

Today is the calm before the storm that will be studying for the next 6 weeks. From what I heard last night, the pace is pretty rigorous. Going to explore Okazaki once the place wakes up.

SIDENOTE: I just realized I forgot all my pokeballs at home. Really hope I don't run into any rare ones today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL


THE COAST!


Discouragingly smart Japanese kid.


My digs.

PROLOGUE: "F**k me in the butt."

These were five of the last words I heard before leaving Cumberland last night in a mostly innocuous (I was with my mom) drive by yelling from a pair of high school kids. I feel like his friend was egging him on to yell something at our car right before they passed us, but instead of rattling off a "Dipshit" or "Jabroni," he panicked and said "Fuck me in the butt!!" His friend was probably like "Dude…Kev Bone. What? Fuck me in the butt? What the fuck?" and Kev was probably all "Dude shut up, I just said the first thing that came into my mind." And his friend probably turns the volume down on the heavily worn Nickleback mix CD purring in the stereo(the one Kev Bone made for his birthday last month) and says "Why are you thinking about butt sex while we are driving to my step uncle's house for our weekly sleep over/Ace of Cakes mini-marathon?" Then they slowly turn their heads for a second of eye contact and slowly turn them back towards the road.

Anyways, I'm sitting in the Air Canada lounge right now watching the Netherlands and the Danes throw down through the heaviest eyelids I've had in a long time. I've got roughly 24 hrs of travel ahead of me so I am trying to save my sleep for the planes. Also, don't know how much World Cup I will be able to swing in Japan since the time difference puts the later game on at 3:30 am JST. But on the plus side, living in Japan. More later - tired.